He loves me, he loves me not, but does it matter?
I'd like to start this off by stating that I am a fan of love, a hopeless romantic if you will. Love is a risk and you both either end up on top or back to square one looking for your perfect match again. If I'm being honest I hate dating, I hate hookups, I hate being heartbroken, and I hate how I used to give my power away to men who don't intend on being here for the long haul.
As women, we were raised with the idea of having a significant other who completes us and we romanticize the hell out of people who give the bare minimum. Then we are left heartbroken (for a long time) because you chose to believe them when they said you were the one for them and all the promises you both made. The illusion we had for our future disappears and we are left to pick up the pieces. I had this exact experience last year and I reached so many realizations about where I went wrong because as easy as it is to blame the other person for everything, there has to be at least one thing that I did wrong. I made someone my everything and that was my biggest mistake.
I saw a quote that said the problem is that you love him so much that you would allow him to drag you to Hell if it meant you could hold hands on the way down. It's kind of depressing how I held this mindset for so long because it is true I would have done anything. Co-dependence is a relationship killer, you need each other to be happy instead of being comfortable within yourselves. Making someone your everything and filling up their glass without pouring into your own is unhealthy and you could think that by doing this you are making the other person love you even more but what does that matter if you do not love yourself? This also puts extra pressure on the other person because you're putting them on this high pedestal and they have to constantly live up to the high expectations that come with that.
As the oldest daughter in my family, I was taught how to nurture and that became my love language. I take care of people and do things to make myself of service but somewhere down the line, it turned into a way for me to prove that I was worthy of being in their life. I didn't start taking care of myself and putting my needs first until recently. If I could love someone else so much and do anything to take care of them, why couldn't I pour that lost love back into myself? Dating myself has been eye-opening and I have reached a level of self-awareness that I never knew existed. I finally know myself like the back of my hand, what triggers me, what are my dreams, what scares me, etc... Dedicating my 20s to myself is the best gift I could have ever given myself. We do not need to be settled down with our forever right now. At the end of the day no matter who comes and goes, the only person you truly have is yourself. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself, and our 20s are a great time to explore who you are.
Loving yourself and putting yourself first won't ever be something that you will regret. Sometimes you need to walk away for the rose-colored glasses to come off so that you could finally see things for what they are. Love is an amazing thing and I am so happy to have experienced its beauty but it's so easy to get lost in it and let it take over your life. You should be the own love of your life and whoever is lucky enough to be with you should be someone who encourages your self-love journey and respects the hell out of it.